a beginning less swollen

I am starting this not to get anything out, to remind.

to remember.

I am sick. I am sick and this is my way of remembering how I feel day to day, of remembering how I felt and that these feelings were real and that every time I bend my knees and I struggle to straighten them, the occasional pang of nausea, the bounding of my head, the crescendo of not wanting to get up in the morning, it is happening, I felt it.

I will not let the sound swallow me. If I can't quite it, if I can't drown it out,
at least I can write it down.

twenty three years old
female
visceral symptoms that do not translate easily to words

joint pain
urinary urgency
cramping
fatigue
headache
back ache
neck pain
stiff neck

I feel sick.

So I will write it down here. How I feel, everything that comes up with being a young college graduate, a woman and feeling ill.

today I feel frustration and jealousy.
I am morning for the life I'm not living, frustration because I do not feel up to trying, up to exercising, grad school, a life full of things that I have always wanted. Vivacity just sounds tiring. Being on facebook just reminds me that my peers are seeing the world and I'm trying to get an insurance company to approve me so I can go see more doctors.

____________

today's symptoms:
stomach pain/cramps (intermittently)
Urinary urgency
neck pain, epecially when moving my head
pelvic discomfort
knee pain finger pain joint pain

I'm done